How do you create a lifestyle after 60 that is sensual, vibrant, fulfilling, and on your own terms and not someone else’s?
What if I said the answer is healing from the traumatic effects of people pleasing?
If this is true, where do you begin to identify the effects of people pleasing? And how do you start to genuinely heal from them?
The answer lies in self-love and self-romance.
In this third of a three-part article, we will now delve deeper into self-romance with the intent to create a renewed sense of purpose, strengthen self-worth, and create more sustainable happiness in your 60s and beyond by healing the effects of people pleasing.
This article and the accompanying video are the seventh of a new, 10-part exclusive series for 60 and Me readers titled “Improve Your Lifestyle After 60 by Boosting Your Sexual Confidence.”
The Epidemic of People Pleasing
In the previous article and video, we discussed how many of the crippling effects of loneliness and isolation are tied to the reluctance to love one’s self and the limiting belief of feeling you are not worthy of sexual pleasure as you age.
The Epidemic of Loneliness & Isolation has been widely documented in recent years. There is, however, another epidemic that takes us even deeper into the causes behind people feeling lonely, isolated, and unloved as they age.
It is the Epidemic of People Pleasing.
The Root of People Pleasing
People pleasing is not only systemic in society, but it is also rarely spoken about because most people think it is normal. There is nothing normal about sacrificing your well-being to make sure others are taken care of while you suffer in silence.
From an early age, we are taught that serving other people’s wishes over our own validates our deservedness of having our desires met and fulfilled.
If someone’s needs are not properly met, you could be subjected to shame, harsh criticism, or even worse, the love and respect you want from someone is withheld.
To regain the love of someone who is withholding it, or to get back into the good graces of people who openly criticize you, the act of people pleasing can quickly turn from being kind and gracious to becoming a survival tactic.
This leads millions of people to sacrifice their well-being to ensure that other’s needs and desires are taken care of first.
Herein lies the root of people pleasing: an unconscious feeling of unworthiness of love.
The Origins of People Pleasing
To overcome the unhealthy effects of people pleasing, it must first be acknowledged.
The origin of people pleasing in one’s life is different for everyone. For many, it began at home, where a parental figure set the tone for how to receive their love and affection.
To please those you needed love and support from, may have started in the home but it carries over to school, the workplace, and ultimately, into romantic partnerships.
While people pleasing is exhausting and toxic, it is accepted as how things work in life, becoming a means to both survive and thrive. This is how it hides in plain sight.
Healing the Effects of People Pleasing
To fully heal from people pleasing, many require the services of an experienced counselor or certified specialist who is adept at helping people navigate the treacherous internal wounds of people pleasing.
Even with expert care and professional guidance, ultimately, the responsibility to heal begins and ends within each of us on an individual level.
Most people, however, do not go within to heal. They keep seeking external validation or they simply isolate themselves from others. Neither is a viable or long-term solution.
This is where self-love and self-romance comes in.
3 Self-Romance Steps to End People Pleasing
Step 1: Prioritize Your Needs Without Guilt
Make a list of five things you have done recently to please others and five things you wish you had done for yourself instead. Take one of those things you wish you had done for yourself and apply a self-romantic act to it. Choose one self-romantic act daily that prioritizes your happiness.
Step 2: Set Healthy Boundaries That Honor Your Well-Being
If you want more love, romance, and pleasure in your life, you must be willing to make adjustments to the lifestyle you have been accustomed to. When asked to do something that doesn’t align with your needs, pause before responding and ask: “Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I feel obligated?”
Step 3: Romance Yourself the Way You’ve Romanced Others
Reflect on how you have shown love and given romance to others in the past. Examples could be thoughtful gifts, handwritten notes, and surprises. Begin giving yourself the same romantic gestures. Buy yourself flowers, write yourself a love note, and plan a sensual evening just for YOU.
Set a High Standard
Setting high standards for how others treat you means the impulse to fall prey to people pleasing steadily ceases.
When you romance yourself the way you desire, and you please yourself first, you set a high standard for how others interact with you. The same applies to love.
When you love yourself unconditionally, you invite others to love you at that same level.
Next Steps:
Join me in the video, where I share two common threads of unhealed trauma that connect many people over 60 to people pleasing. I will also guide you through 3 journal prompts to integrate what you’re learning.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How has people pleasing affected you? Do you make yourself your top priority – and do you think it’s the right way to go?
