Last weekend I was taking a walk, looked down at the sidewalk and saw a small black circle next to a small hole and below was a curved branch in the shape of a wide U. What I saw in total was a smiley face staring back at me.
Seeing that smiley face led me to think of current events both personal and universal.
We can all look at the same situation and see/perceive it differently. Even something simple like what I saw on the ground. I saw it as a smiley face, and you may have walked right over it.
We know that how we perceive things becomes our reality and will determine how we respond, make decisions, determine our quality of life and who we decide to have in our lives.
Different Views May Cause a Rift
I think I can safely say that in the past year, many of us have lost relationships due to the political climate. And if it wasn’t because of politics, it sure has turned the temperature up making it more challenging to begin and to have conversations.
I think we can also agree that religion and politics have always been considered topics to avoid in order to keep the peace; and especially now when differences are no longer just about policies.
Sadly, we have all seen instances where family/chosen family members have severed ties because of differing political beliefs and perceptions. Whether its politics or other issues, a question to ask ourselves is:
Is the relationship important enough to have a hard conversation?
Whether we’re talking about politics or not, when there is a chasm in a relationship, there are common pitfalls that can cause one to end:
Growing apart, having fewer things in common, major life transitions like relocating or having a new partner. It could be a perceived offense, or there may be jealous “friends” who bad mouth you in an attempt to keep you out of the picture. (And this doesn’t only happen in the 6th grade!)
Assumptions Are a Huge Roadblock
Another huge issue causing the death of relationships are assumptions.
Assuming things like: They didn’t call me so that means….
Or, If we were as close as I thought we were, she would have….
And sometimes it may be something they believe to be true, but don’t truly know or understand the entirety of a situation so they end the relationship or just disappear. Or there’s the assumption that someone doesn’t care because they didn’t do something we would’ve done. That would fall under the category of expectations, yes?
The Simple Tool: Conversation
There is a simple but not easy solution to gain clarity that many avoid… and that is to have a conversation.
Those who tend to avoid ‘confrontation’ can see a difficult conversation as just that. But it doesn’t have to be.
In the short term it seems easier to do nothing, and sometimes this is appropriate. But before 86ing a relationship, be sure that your decision isn’t based on assumptions, fear, and/or other people’s feedback.
We Need Clarity Before Acting
Hard conversations can provide clarity. Clarity to choose to end what was once an important relationship, or it can help to understand the person more and clear the way for a more meaningful and honest relationship moving forward.
If you are the friend being cut from the team without so much as a conversation, you get to decide how you will ultimately see it. Do you see it as a loss? Do you see it as providing clarity that this person doesn’t care about you enough to make the effort? You could also see it as saving you from wasting more time in that relationship.
You may grieve. You may feel relieved. You may feel all of the above at once! You may feel upset that they’re denying you an opportunity for closure, but one thing I have learned is that we must provide closure for ourselves. The other person won’t give you closure the way you need it anyway. Closure is an inside job.
Think It Through for Yourself
Yes, people are tired, angry and scared. And with all the divisiveness and chaos that we’re surrounded by 24/7, maybe our bandwidths just aren’t wide enough to handle one more difficult thing. Totally understandable, but will it be a regret down the line?
Maybe yes, maybe no. If you care/have cared for someone and are upset with them, or you’re assuming a meaning for something they did or didn’t do, or you think you know what they’ve done or not done; consider having the tough conversation. If it ends up being the time of death of the relationship, at least you’re calling it with certainty.
How we see things is up to us. The choice of who shall stay and who shall go is up to us. And if it’s not our choice, then how we move on is up to us. There is more that is up to us than we think.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you looked for clarity in difficult relationships? Did a hard conversation bring a resolution – either way?
