Online dating can be fun and exciting, meeting new and interesting people, exploring different places, and having experiences that broaden your horizons. But that sunny optimism is more often the exception rather than the rule. Today’s online dating world can also be brutal, filled with frustrating and demoralizing episodes that include being ghosted or finding yourself on the receiving end of a vicious rant.
Ghosting
Ghosting is defined as the act of suddenly stopping all communication without explanation. It can be baffling as well as painful, especially if you feel you’ve made a good connection. The stats on ghosting are depressing. It’s estimated that at least 60% of Americans have experienced romantic ghosting.
The reasons cited by ghosters are many, ranging from cultural and religious differences to emotional incompatibility or having trust issues. To avoid getting attached, they ghost. Some who ghost want to avoid conflict by having a difficult conversation about not wanting to move forward. They use ghosting as a way to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings. That’s exactly what happened to me when I was online dating.
Getting to know him was lovely. On our date, conversation flowed easily and at the end of the night my date gave me the best kiss ever. I’m not kidding. It literally made my knees buckle. He promised to call but didn’t. It was baffling and I wanted answers. After repeated phone calls to him, he finally picked up. I asked him what happened? Why didn’t he call?
He sheepishly admitted that his old girlfriend was back in the picture, and he wanted to give their relationship another try. He apologized for not calling and said he felt bad about it. I accepted his apology, but said in the future, please have the decency and good manners to buck up and be honest. Have the difficult call. It’s the polite thing to do.
The Shifting Ghost
In surveys of online daters, ghosting is often at the top of the list of complaints, but it’s certainly not a new phenomenon. In the history of dating and courtship, ghosting has been around forever, but in earlier dating eras, social circles were much smaller, making it difficult to disappear without getting the attention of others. Ending a relationship required a face-to-face conversation, a phone call, or a “Dear John” letter. If there wasn’t proper closure one risked having their reputation ruined. In other words, there was social accountability.
Over the decades since, especially with the rise of social media, social accountability seems to have all but disappeared. Some say dating etiquette is still there, it’s just hidden under all the layers of technology that one must navigate in today’s online dating world. The technology makes it all too easy to disappear with no explanation whatsoever. Anonymity on the internet reduces accountability, and can also unleash inhibitions, empowering people to act out in the worst ways. The constant stream of profiles can also give ghosters a mindset that people are disposable, or the grass is always greener, making it easy to move on.
The term “ghosting” was first coined around 2010 when there was an explosion of different ways to communicate, through text messaging, social media platforms, and dating apps. It can be overwhelming. During my online dating years throughout the 2010’s, I remember being inundated with flirts, winks, and one-word DM’s, often times with nothing of substance occurring after that. It was infuriating. It also hurt when I thought I was having meaningful communication with somebody, only to have that person disappear.
Ghostlighting
Perhaps an even more toxic dating trend is “ghostlighting,” a combination of ghosting and gaslighting. It happens when someone ghosts you, disappearing from all communication, only to return later. When they do, they proceed to gaslight you by minimizing what had happened and claiming you’re overreacting if you’re upset.
They’ll lie, deny or trivialize. It’s a nasty form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse that can make the recipient feel hurt, confused, or angry.
Cyber Dating Abuse
Online daters have good reason to believe that internet abuse is on the rise. A new study shows that ghosting, although prevalent, isn’t the most common form of internet abuse. Most of the abuse comes in the form of bullying and harassment, the majority of which comes from strangers, before meeting face-to-face, with women facing a disproportionate amount of abuse.
I know first-hand how bad it can be. When I was online dating, I was amazed by the volume of rude and mean people I met online. I often wondered where their manners had gone. Especially after they’d launch into a rant about their ex, their divorce, their kids, the state of American politics, conspiracy theories, you name it!
It’s why I recommend talking on the phone as soon as possible because most often that’s when I found the verbal knives would come out. I was often grateful for the phone call because it allowed me to quickly dump the bum before things went any further.
Closure
For many, getting over the hurt and anger is made all the more difficult because with ghosting there’s no closure for the victim. It can have a serious impact on one’s mental health. Those who’ve been ghosted often question their self-worth. They can take it personally and blame themselves for the ghoster’s terrible behavior. Victims can get over their stress, sadness, and confusion by breaking the mental ties to their ghoster.
In years past, therapists would often recommend writing letters as a healing exercise. These letters wouldn’t be sent because closure doesn’t require participation with the ghoster but would give victims the opportunity to say everything they wished they could say to their ghosters. The process allows victims to move on.
Some Good News
In today’s digital dating world, it’s certainly not practical to write letters, but it is possible to get closure. One way is to reframe the ghosting. With the help of my therapist, I learned to do this early on during my dating years. Instead of asking myself, ‘What did I do wrong?’ I flipped the question in my head to, “What does his behavior tell me about him?’ The answer is simple. It tells me that the ghoster is a rude person who doesn’t treat others with dignity and respect. It made it easy to move on and not give that person another thought.
Another technique that I used often is when I didn’t hear from somebody in a timely fashion, I would write a quick note saying something to the effect that ‘I haven’t heard from you, so I’m going to assume you’re not interested. Best to you in your search.’ It was a way for me to politely close the door. Maybe I didn’t get answers or a good-bye, but I still got closure.
There are some signs that good manners are making a comeback. The frenetic pace of swiping through profiles is being replaced with more thoughtful, intentional, slow dating. Senior daters are embracing intentional dating which emphasizes mutual respect and kindness. And some platforms are beginning to experiment with AI to combat ghosters.
I online dated for more than a decade, and in the process learned many techniques that helped make online dating enjoyable while being good for my mental health. You can find my dating tips and tricks here. If you’re in an online dating journey, be smart, date safe, and have fun!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you ever been ghosted or faced verbal abuse from someone online? What do you find is the biggest challenge for you in online dating?
