I am a single mom of two adult men. I’ve been a single mom their entire life, so it has been hard for me to transition to “letting go.” It has been easier with the eldest (because I assumed he didn’t need me anymore), but harder with the youngest.
I Was Having a Hard Time Letting Go
Sometimes I’m losing on both ends as the youngest is always complaining that I am in his business “too much” and telling him what to do. The eldest gets upset because I am not as attentive to his needs for comfort and advice.
What Did I Do to Change Our Relationship?
Listen.
I have learned a lot from listening to my youngest son teach me and show me how to parent him. He is vocal and frequent. He is a faith abounding young man that has shown me that the Lord is in control of his life, and not me. Furthermore, he has shown me I can trust him because I have raised him to know the Lord. And he and the Lord are one.
The eldest son told me bluntly that I don’t listen and provide advice in a manner that befits his personality. That particular conversation resulted in me hearing him loud and clear. Why? Because I was listening to him versus my usual passive pretend-listening. He told me what he needed and what he didn’t need. From that moment on, we’ve had a much better relationship.
Here Are a Few Steps to Take to Help You
Pray
Pray and pray frequently and be specific about your needs. This is a marathon not a sprint.
Be Present
If they are trying to talk to you while you are busy – choose to tell them you will return the call, or stop what you are doing and put them first. Yes, that is not always possible right away. You know your children, if it sounds like it’s urgent, then make it urgent for you. All children, small, teens or adults want to know that you are choosing them.
Know Each Child
Know the character of your children. One child is not like the other child. Each has their own character. Therefore, it will help you have a better relationship with each child by treating them as an individual.
Actively Listen
My sons know when I have “heard” them or when I’m passively listening. They act according to my behavior. If I’m dismissive of what they are telling me, I may have to deal with a person that doesn’t want to share anything with me and/or I’m not their priority.
Show That You Care
Be willing to change your plans to show that you love and care. We are to show others that we love and care for them, and the best way to show that is by acknowledging them through action.
How Did Showing Love Benefit Me as a Parent?
My eldest son was going through a rough time with multiple trials, and he needed me to travel to his home to be there with him. He wanted to pay for my trip to be there. I remember how unloving I was because I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my home to travel to his home. Stubbornly, I didn’t want to make any changes in my life to be there.
I felt that I could have helped him where I was in my own home, over the telephone and video call. Finally, I relented and took the train to visit my son and his family. After spending a week with them, I knew I needed to be there. He needed his mom. I spent a lot of time in his presence with him and his family. As a result, our relationship has grown closer because I was there at a pivotal time in his life.
Changing my behavior resulted in my sons wanting me to spend time with them.
Love is the key to all things.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you have a tough relationship with your adult children? Have you tried to actively listen to them? What are you willing to do to have a better relationship with your adult children?
