My impending 39th wedding anniversary jolted me into an introspective state to dissect and learn what keeps long-term couples together. There was a high prediction from the outset that my marriage was likely to fail; after all, we started dating in High School, married noticeably young, and grew and evolved in separate ways both from one another and from our 25-year-old selves.
Any seasoned married couple will tell you that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, and that you will experience the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, with most days simply being adequate. So how and why do two quite different people with vastly unique needs, goals and visions stay together? We all know that compromise is essential, but I wanted to examine what else was required.
Similarity of Values, Interests and More
After assessing my own marriage, I realized that one constant was that we have retained similar morals and values and have not swayed from those. We have similar interests and hobbies but also separate ones that we enjoy partaking on our own. We both receive our greatest joy from being grandparents and having a rich family history that we can share with and pass on to our grandchildren.
Nevertheless, our daily lifestyles are quite different. My husband still works full-time as he prefers more structure in his life and to keep busy by completing projects. I, on the other hand, enjoy lazier days where I fill up my time with my passions and hobbies. We understand each other’s unique lifestyle needs and have learned to accept our differences. Acceptance is at the very core of any successful union.
Also read, How to Thrive When One Spouse Retires First.
The Theory of the 5 Love Languages and Lasting Relationships
I was fascinated with Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of five love languages. According to Chapman, partners have a preference of how they express love either through giving and receiving tangible gifts, physical touch, acts of service, quality of time or words of affirmation.
In reviewing my own relationship, I realized that from the beginning of our marriage, my partner and I had always held quality time for each other, had repeatedly told each other that we loved each other, and we like to hold hands and hug often. We do not have to make any special extra effort in those areas as they come naturally to both of us.
In contrast, neither of us are good gift givers nor needed or wanted to receive meaningful tangible gifts. We both prefer to buy our own presents rather than being surprised. I discovered that what we valued most was when the other partner did something special without having to be asked to.
For example, my husband often plans and makes special dinners for our celebrated occasions, and I often plan and organize special get aways and vacations. These gestures that require effort are most expressive to the other and most appreciated. According to Chapman’s theory, we share and value the same acts of service love language. Sharing the same love language(s) or at the very least, acknowledging your partner’s preferred way of showing love, is instrumental to lifelong relationships.
Personality Styles Also Play a Role in Lasting Relationships
I was also intrigued by personality styles and how they impact successful relationships. For example, how do introverts married to extroverts cohabit through life while one craves alone time and the other craves people and attention?
My husband and I are more similar in personality as our natural tendency is being alone and independent, yet we both are social in a group setting. My husband enjoys small talk with strangers and others much more than I do. I desire deep and meaningful conversations with like-minded individuals. I believe going deep is also one of my love languages, although Chapman does not identify it.
Also, I love to discuss topics such as faith, spirituality, psychology, and human nature whereas my husband prefers to discuss topics such as sports, world events, politics, and economics. I believe that we are like other heterosexual couples whereby it is our gender that determines how and what we communicate.
While I have a few close girlfriends that I go deep with, I also want to have similar talks with my partner, so I often suggest opening a bottle of wine during those times that I am requesting we focus more on my topics…. lol.
My Own Reflections
I believe Billy Joel was wrong. Clever conversation and significant discussions are necessary in any lasting union, and that’s possibly why Mr. Joel has been divorced so many times; he needed clever conversation. While it certainly didn’t happen overnight and has progressed over time in our relationship, my husband and I have learned how we can respectfully share deep conversations that fulfill both of our needs, and we have also learned when we need to respect each other’s alone time and own space.
There are so many facets to determining why long-term couples stay together but the key themes appear to be compromise, acceptance, love, and respect.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How long did your most meaningful relationship last? What factors contributed to its duration? What is most important to you in a romantic relationship?
